Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
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Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.