Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple