My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
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Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
BRAKING NEWS!!
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.