[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
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What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
OKAY DAD
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?