the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
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“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Sounds like a bargain
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on