First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US