[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
You Might Also Like
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
me after eating Cheetos
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]