Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
At least he brought enough for everyone
mariah carrie
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite