23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
You Might Also Like
the official breakfast of 2021
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.: