No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
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Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.