[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
This is enough internet for the day.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”