Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
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My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
all that yoga finally paid off
I am a gravy boat captain
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.