[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
You Might Also Like
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
How dramatic are you?
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?