Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
You Might Also Like
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.