They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
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If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
cyclists
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.