Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
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I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Guys, I found it.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers