Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
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My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.