For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
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Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Lmbo
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate