Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
the red hot silly peppers
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”