I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
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Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
marvel comics have peaked
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related