I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
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Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing