Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
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Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
#MeanwhileInCanada
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.