Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
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Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Wasps: bees, but not helping
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Follow me for more life hacks.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know