If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
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million dollar idea: worm dehorser
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
you gotta be faster
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
12653.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair