My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
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[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks