Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.