Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
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“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.