Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
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some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
bout dat hot dog summer
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did