In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
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[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Lmao
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.