Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
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Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*