WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
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The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.