Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
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we did it you guys we saved daylight
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food