“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
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“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house