Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
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olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
work smarter, not harder
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.