I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
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Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Imma just leave this here…………
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board