I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
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Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge