I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
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[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?