[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
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thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow