The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
You Might Also Like
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.