this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
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[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
79.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Not my job 😂
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…