Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
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I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
broke down and did it
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain