9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
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I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”