HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
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Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.