In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY