[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
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My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I just love that new Pope smell.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money