[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
my fav colour is also hitler
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.