I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.