Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
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MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
worst…sale…ever
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*