The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
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*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC