I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
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[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
“HELP WITH CAT”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Found the job I’m suited for
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me